The Book That Changed How We Think About Relationships
Why are so many of us constantly afraid of what other people think? In the Japanese bestseller The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, a philosopher and a young student discuss the timeless psychology of Alfred Adler. Adler was an Austrian doctor who worked alongside Sigmund Freud, but his ideas were far more practical, empowering, and optimistic.
Adler argued that human beings do not need to be held hostage by past emotional wounds or other people’s approval. You have the power to choose happiness and peace right now in the present moment. When you absorb these ideas, you stop walking on eggshells around difficult people and reclaim your personal freedom.
5 Uncomfortable Lessons from Adlerian Psychology
1. All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems
Adler stated that if you lived completely alone in the universe on a distant planet, you would experience no loneliness, no competition, no status anxiety, and no jealousy. All emotional suffering arises from how we compare ourselves to others, how we try to control them, and how we fear their rejection. When you simplify your relationships and stop competing, your life becomes peaceful.
2. The Separation of Tasks
This is the single most famous concept in Adlerian psychology. In any difficult situation, you must ask: “Whose task is this?” Your task is to live according to your values, speak honestly, and do good work. How other people react, whether they like you, or whether they get offended is their task, not yours.
Trying to control how someone feels about you is trespassing into their task. Stay on your side of the boundary.
3. Your Past Does Not Determine Your Future
Freud believed that your childhood events determine who you are today. Adler rejected this idea completely. Adler argued that past events do not control you; the meaning you assign to past events controls you.
You are free in every single moment to write a new story and make a different choice for your life.
4. Why Praise and Criticism Are Both Traps
Most people love being praised. But Adler warned that seeking praise makes you dependent on other people’s judgments. Praise is a tool used by superiors to reward subordinates.
When you work only for gold stars and approval, you give away your power. Instead of seeking praise, cultivate internal self-respect and find joy in contributing value to your community.
5. Freedom Is Having the Courage to Be Disliked
If nobody dislikes you, it means you have no firm values. It means you change your opinions like a chameleon to please whoever is in front of you. Being disliked by some people is not a failure; it is the natural cost of living an authentic life.
When you are willing to let people misunderstand you, you become truly free.
A 3-Step Daily Exercise to Stop People-Pleasing
If you struggle with constant people-pleasing, try this simple 3-step Adlerian exercise every morning:
- Identify Your Urge to Please: Notice when you are about to say yes to a request only because you fear someone will be mad or disappointed.
- Clarify the Boundary: Ask yourself: “If I say no to this, what am I saying yes to?” You are saying yes to your health, your peace of mind, and your own priorities.
- Deliver the Clear Response: State your decision plainly without over-explaining. You do not need to give five reasons. A clear, gentle no is a complete sentence. Remember, when you respect your own limits, you teach other people how to treat you with respect.
Vertical vs. Horizontal Relationships
Adler taught that people-pleasers view the world in vertical relationships—ranking people as superior or inferior, higher or lower. In vertical relationships, you either try to impress someone above you or look down on someone below you. In horizontal relationships, all human beings are viewed as equals.
You may have different skills, jobs, or backgrounds, but everyone has equal human dignity. When you relate to others horizontally, you no longer feel the urge to perform for approval.
Why People-Pleasing Is Actually Selfish
Most people think people-pleasing is a form of kindness and generosity. In Adlerian psychology, however, people-pleasing is viewed as a subtle form of manipulation. When you act like a people-pleaser, you are not focused on what the other person actually needs.
You are focused on managing their opinion of you so that you can feel safe and liked. You agree to commitments you secretly hate, and then you harbor hidden resentment toward the other person for “forcing” you to do it.
The Freedom of Honest Kindness
Real kindness is honest. Real kindness says: “I care about you, and right now I cannot help with this project because I must honor my other responsibilities.” When you are honest about your limits, people learn that when you say yes, you truly mean it from the heart.
3 Scripts for Setting Clean Boundaries
Use these three simple Grade 3 scripts to practice the separation of tasks:
- For Demanding Family Members: “I love you very much, and I won’t be able to come over this Sunday because I need rest. Let’s plan lunch next Saturday.”
- For Extra Work Demands: “I am currently fully committed to delivering Project X on Friday. If you would like me to take on this new task, which part of Project X should we push back?”
- For Unsolicited Advice: “Thank you for sharing your perspective. I will think about it and decide what works best for my family.”
The Courage to Be Normal: Letting Go of Specialness
Adlerian psychology introduces a fascinating idea: the desire to be “special.” Many people believe they must either be exceptionally successful or exceptionally dramatic to have worth. If they cannot be the best student or worker, they sometimes unconsciously become the most difficult or troubled person just to get attention. Adler calls for the courage to be normal.
Being normal does not mean being mediocre or lazy. It means finding deep, rich contentment in ordinary everyday moments: cooking a quiet dinner, taking a morning walk, helping a neighbor, or reading a good book. When you stop needing to prove you are special, you find true peace.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is Adlerian psychology?
Adlerian psychology is a practical theory developed by Alfred Adler that focuses on human agency, goal-directed behavior, and social belonging rather than past trauma.
Does ‘having the courage to be disliked’ mean being rude?
No. It does not mean going out of your way to offend people. It means living with integrity without compromising your values just to please others.
What does ‘Separation of Tasks’ mean?
It means knowing the difference between what is your responsibility (your actions) and what is someone else’s responsibility (their reactions).
Why is praise considered problematic in this book?
Because relying on praise creates a people-pleasing habit where you only act when someone else validates you.
How do I stop worrying about what my family thinks of my choices?
Remind yourself that living your own life is your task. If family members feel disappointed by your independence, navigating that disappointment is their personal task.
Can this book help with social anxiety?
Yes. It shows that social anxiety is often rooted in excessive self-consciousness and the impossible desire to control other people’s perceptions.
Who is the philosopher in the book?
The book is structured as a fictional dialogue between an experienced Adlerian philosopher and a skeptical young student.
What is the ultimate goal of Adlerian psychology?
The ultimate goal is community feeling: feeling self-accepting, trusting others, and finding joy in contributing value to people around you.
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